Tag Archive | life

Happy New Year!

I keep meaning to post more, and life keeps getting in the way. I figured what better time to try and get back into the habit than the beginning of the new year?

2015 was rough. Among many things, I turned 30. My roommate lost her job, leading to increased financial pressure at home. My mood has been far from stable. I fractured my foot. My car was backed into. Record flooding in my area closed out the year.

Flooding in Valley Park, MO

As the flood waters receded, the sun came out for the first time in what felt like forever today. I’m thankful that I live at a high enough altitude that the flooding didn’t impact me personally. On December 30th, I went down to check out the waters of the Meramec River about 12 hours before they crested in nearby Valley Park, MO, where Interstate 44 at highway 141 was submerged. It was a surreal scene, to see an intersection I go through regularly completely shut down due to water.

I went back today and took more photos, which I will post later on. For now, you can see my album from the 30th here.

2015 wasn’t entirely bad, though. I started to fit in more at my new job. I expanded my doll family. A lot. I also expanded my cat family. I’ve become a slightly better photographer.

I still feel, though, like in the grand scheme of things, 2015 is a year that I’d not like to repeat. As I rang in the new year, with my best friend Lisa, my parents, and my Uncle Larry, I resolved that somehow, this year would be different. Somehow, I would make things better. Even if just a little at a time.

Then I promptly knocked over – and broke – a jar containing decorative sea shells.

Quite the unfortunate beginning, for sure.

After much needed rest, things weren’t exactly better. Moods around me were sour, which is a bad thing for an empathetic person like me, and after taking photos of the flood waters, I wound up with a hell of a migraine. I had to rest in a dark room for about two hours, even then waking up woozy, but at least I awoke with my darling calico, Rio, snuggled beside my legs. Usually, she sleeps with my room mate, so it was a welcome surprise.

Though 2016 might not have kicked off in the best way, I’m still hoping that things will slowly get better.

Happy new year, everyone!

PS – I’m going to be participating in the Dogwood Photography 52 Week Photo Challenge. Once I get going, I plan to post my photos here weekly. If you have a Flickr, feel free to follow me there. If not, check back here!

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Long time no see

Since I made the doll blog, and that’s all I’ve really been posting lately, I’ve been ignoring this blog. However, my short attempt at using my livejournal again was cut short by my anger at their new friends feed layout that I can’t seem to undo, so I’ve come back here, and will likely continue to use this for my blogging purposes. I miss the security controls of livejournal, but it’s possible that WordPress has some that I just don’t know about? I’ll need to investigate further.

So, what’s been happening this year?

Dolls and more dolls. Of course, since that’s documented at my Doll blog, I don’t really need to update here. This year started out on a pretty good foot, despite being in a job that still has a lot of free time. My health hasn’t been so great, and I’ve put back on 20 or so lbs since 2011, but I’m maintaining at the moment, and somehow I’m getting by. My doctor retired at the end of June, so I had to start with a new one, and put her to use fairly quickly with migraine issues…

In life, my roommate was laid off at the end of May, and is still in search of a new job. We’re scraping by with my salary and her unemployment checks, but a number of things have been going wrong to make things harder on us. For now I’m holding my breath and hoping a new job comes through before the end of the year.

This put a damper on our wanting to go to Japan at the end of the year, though. At this point, I can’t say when we’ll be able to go again. Will I have to wait until I’m out of school? Hopefully not… I’m trying not to think about it too much, anyway.

I could go on about a number of silly little things that have gone on this year, but they’re likely boring. I’ll leave this here for now, and make another post full of cat photos I took while trying to shoot my first assignment for Digital Photography (including a few of our new kitten, Aya :D).

Whoosh!

What a difference two months can make

My life is on an upswing.

I had thought that the job opening I applied for within the company would go to another coworker, as she had already had an interview while I had yet to even receive a call back. I brought up to my boss that I had applied as well, and he mentioned it to the powers that be when he had an opening. Within the week I had my first phone interview, then after another week or so of waiting, got set up with a call with the man in charge of the position.

Phone interview on a Friday, and Monday I was called to say he would be in town the next day, along with a job offer.

Wait… what?

I hadn’t been expecting it to move so quickly, but as soon as I saw the number written on that piece of paper, I was in. A chance to do something new, get away from the dead end that was my position, and make more money.

It was a bit of a rocky transition, with my final day of the job I’d held for seven and a half years being rather anti-climatic (my boss wasn’t even there due to family medical issues), but I’m in the new position.

I celebrated by buying myself a Prius C and selling my Scion xA. I was able to use money from the Scion to pay the taxes and pay off some bills I had been way behind on, and I think that from now on, things will start to get better.

unnamed

I’m still unsure of this new position, as even the ones in charge don’t really know what I’m supposed to be doing exactly… it’s the kind of job that will build as time goes on, but for now I’m in waiting mode, just trying to jump in where I’m able.

I had one business trip already for “training” (touring a printing plant, basically), and more are to come. I’m new to the world of business trips and business lunches… but it’s nice to be treated like more than just some flunky data entry employee.

Doing a little better in Calculus now, have my induction to Phi Theta Kappa next week. It’s a breath of fresh air to be getting recognition for my hard work.

I added one more AD to my mix, which I’m still adjusting to, so it’s too soon to tell if it’ll help, but based on the bouts of start-up depression I’ve been fighting, I’m realizing just how much my first AD is helping me. To think that I used to feel like that daily… no wonder it felt like things were falling down around me.

Here’s to a good end of 2014 and an even better 2015.

This blog is turning into an outlet for my depression, but I think that’s ok. Sometimes just writing things out helps me feel a little better, so I’ll try to keep it up. I used to use livejournal for this stuff but it seems everyone jumped ship, so I’ll use this.

I’ve never quite been in this situation before. I have multiple things overdue, a big hospital bill hanging over my head, and my depression took a nosedive over the last few years. Before then, I was still suffering, but it was manageable. Most nights I sit on the couch, uninterested in doing anything. I can’t find the motivation to do my homework or study, clean up around the house, play a video game, or even go out and do something. And then, when bedtime rolls around, I find that I’m exhausted and yet can’t fall asleep quickly, my mind racing with worries and doubts and negativity (or, I can, and then wake up after 15 minutes, unable to get back to sleep). When morning comes, I just want to sleep away the day, and have trouble getting up for work. My appetite is also way up. I’m snacking like crazy and I put back on the 10 or so pounds I lost last year. I’m about 20 lbs over where I was in 2011.

The biggest red light was when I went to Japan in October (before I really got into this current mess). I had a great time, but the entire trip I felt like I had a cloud over my head. Despite being with people I had longed to see, hanging out with old friends and crushes, I still couldn’t bring myself to feel like I deserved any of it. And my biggest disappointment of the trip, not getting to meet one person, came with a feeling of “well, I didn’t really deserve to meet him anyway”… yeah, definitely not a cool thing to think.

Even now, a good friend of mine in Niigata offered to help me visit Japan again if his shop turns a profit, and all I can think is that I don’t deserve that kind of kindness. I hate relying on others, or feeling like I owe them. I want to be self-sufficient, to be able to do things for myself without having to inconvenience others, and so this depression is really killing me in that respect. I need help but I’m too proud to seek it.

It’s funny how I can write freely about it here, yet when confronted directly, I say “I’m fine,” or I shrug off the question. I can’t seem to go to my mother and ask her for help dealing with this. I know she’s supportive of me, and she knows I have a history (I was on antidepressants as a teenager), but I still feel like I want her to think that I’m doing ok on my own. I don’t want her to think of me as a failure (which is dumb, I’m going back to school after 10 years so I can make something more of myself, I wouldn’t call that failing, yet I still see myself that way).

The biggest factor is my job. I’ve been with the same company for over seven years, yet in that time frame, my pay has only increased about $2.50 an hour… and I’m one of the lucky ones. My roommate and best friend, also at this job, has seen hers increase less than $1. After seven years. Our company went through two bankruptcies and was bought at the beginning of last year, but the new company still has yet to correct our pay ranges.  My job started out simple and stress free, but it’s grown exponentially more complicated, and I’ve taken on more responsibility (I’m doing essentially three jobs right now), and yet I can’t even get compensated for it. THAT makes me feel like a failure. THAT makes me feel like nothing I do matters. I want to run out the door and teach them a lesson, but I can’t even get the energy to update my resume….

But back to the depression… as for what I’m sure you’re thinking… “Why don’t you just go to the doctor?” Well, I have one answer: Money. I’m in that awkward place where in the United States, I make too much money to be eligible for low-income programs/benefits, and yet I don’t make enough to keep up with my own bills, yet alone have extra to pay for visits to the doctor/medications/etc. I know I’m not alone. This is the reason the middle class is eroding in this country. I know this is important, but how can I choose between treating my depression and keeping the lights on at home? I even tried for some depression clinical studies in the area, but one is no longer recruiting and the other is only recruiting people who are currently on antidepressants. Well… fuck.

So there we are. I’m sitting here praying people buy what I have on Craigslist/tumblr and hoping I can keep myself together enough to do well in school and get past this.

……

Depression caused me to ignore important things, like paying my bills.

Now, half of everything is overdue, I’m getting threats to disconnect services, and I don’t know how to climb out of this hole.

Which deepens the depression.

An endless cycle.

I really don’t know how to manage.

Sometimes

Sometimes things align just right and everything is perfect.

Sometimes they align all wrong and everything goes to hell in a handbasket.

I’m currently in the latter camp. My depression, sleep quality, stress, and finances have all grown exponentially worse, and I’m struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know I need to see a doctor, but my $40 copay is holding me back. That’s about half of a day of work for me. I know I need it, but things like food and keeping the utilities on and gas to get to work are a bit more important. I’m drowning in a pile of stress and self doubt and I really can’t figure out what to do about it.

So you know… fun.

Day Off

Image

Took the day off work today. It’s nice to actually get a chance to relax and have a three day weekend without having to make up the time later or work OT. The last half of 2013 was insane work-wise, so I’m welcoming this bit of a slow down. Unfortunately, my shipment of textbooks for school arrived earlier than I had anticipated, so what would have been a good plan of having it sent to work turned out to be a bit inconvenient.

I made my way to the office to pick them up before meeting my mom and brother for some lunch. It was nice to have some time to relax and talk with them, as my mom works nights and my brother lives a bit farther away, so we don’t see each other quite as often. After lunch we left my brother and grabbed some Starbucks, then came back to my place to relax until dad got off work. I’ve had a headache most of the day so I haven’t gotten a whole lot accomplished, but sometimes you just need a little down time.

When I did crack open my textbooks, I got a little intimidated by the Calculus book. Just peeking at some of the pages makes my head spin. I’m really hoping it won’t take me too long to adjust to doing math again. I just have to keep focused and try to do my best.