Tag Archive | feelings

Then and now

There used to be a time when I blogged regularly. I would update my old livejournal at least once a day, if not more than that. I practically lived there, and I made a bunch of great friends there.

Then Twitter and Facebook came along, sucking away many of the friends I had made. My friends feed went dormant. I even found my normal musings that I would post to my LJ were being thrown at Twitter, since it seemed like a better format for them. I’m not sure what many of my LJ friends are up to these days, aside from the few I followed over to the newer social media formats.

In a lot of ways, I miss the old LJ tight-knit community. It was easy to find others that liked the same things as you through communities, you were able to get a better sense of what your friends were doing day to day, and since it was separate from things like news sites, it was easier to pay attention to the people that mattered to you.

These days, on Twitter and Facebook, it’s just chance. Most people I know don’t go through every tweet or post that happened while they were sleeping or away, and so a lot gets missed. For example, last year I had been planning a trip from Japan from February on, and one of my friends didn’t even realize I was going until the day I left. Something that I felt was obvious – I had only written about it everywhere – had gotten missed completely.

In today’s world of social media, it can sometimes feel that we’re closer than ever. Despite that, I often find the opposite is true. People develop casual relationships, yes, but so rarely do people take the time to delve deeper and really get to know someone. Exchanges that used to take place via emails or instant messages are replaced with quick replies on Twitter or comments on Facebook. I feel like because we’re so inundated with information from so many places, the average person is too busy and too distracted to really pay the kind of attention to their friends that they once did. The world has become self-centered, with each person caring more about their likes and retweets than to one another.

I’m not saying things are bad – in a lot of ways I love how things are – but I do tend to miss that closeness, that feeling of having a tight knit circle of friends who were there for me and on whom I could depend.

The internet has gotten lonely for me, and perhaps that’s why I find myself engaging less and less. Fewer tweets, fewer blog updates, fewer messages.

I want that intimacy back.

This blog is turning into an outlet for my depression, but I think that’s ok. Sometimes just writing things out helps me feel a little better, so I’ll try to keep it up. I used to use livejournal for this stuff but it seems everyone jumped ship, so I’ll use this.

I’ve never quite been in this situation before. I have multiple things overdue, a big hospital bill hanging over my head, and my depression took a nosedive over the last few years. Before then, I was still suffering, but it was manageable. Most nights I sit on the couch, uninterested in doing anything. I can’t find the motivation to do my homework or study, clean up around the house, play a video game, or even go out and do something. And then, when bedtime rolls around, I find that I’m exhausted and yet can’t fall asleep quickly, my mind racing with worries and doubts and negativity (or, I can, and then wake up after 15 minutes, unable to get back to sleep). When morning comes, I just want to sleep away the day, and have trouble getting up for work. My appetite is also way up. I’m snacking like crazy and I put back on the 10 or so pounds I lost last year. I’m about 20 lbs over where I was in 2011.

The biggest red light was when I went to Japan in October (before I really got into this current mess). I had a great time, but the entire trip I felt like I had a cloud over my head. Despite being with people I had longed to see, hanging out with old friends and crushes, I still couldn’t bring myself to feel like I deserved any of it. And my biggest disappointment of the trip, not getting to meet one person, came with a feeling of “well, I didn’t really deserve to meet him anyway”… yeah, definitely not a cool thing to think.

Even now, a good friend of mine in Niigata offered to help me visit Japan again if his shop turns a profit, and all I can think is that I don’t deserve that kind of kindness. I hate relying on others, or feeling like I owe them. I want to be self-sufficient, to be able to do things for myself without having to inconvenience others, and so this depression is really killing me in that respect. I need help but I’m too proud to seek it.

It’s funny how I can write freely about it here, yet when confronted directly, I say “I’m fine,” or I shrug off the question. I can’t seem to go to my mother and ask her for help dealing with this. I know she’s supportive of me, and she knows I have a history (I was on antidepressants as a teenager), but I still feel like I want her to think that I’m doing ok on my own. I don’t want her to think of me as a failure (which is dumb, I’m going back to school after 10 years so I can make something more of myself, I wouldn’t call that failing, yet I still see myself that way).

The biggest factor is my job. I’ve been with the same company for over seven years, yet in that time frame, my pay has only increased about $2.50 an hour… and I’m one of the lucky ones. My roommate and best friend, also at this job, has seen hers increase less than $1. After seven years. Our company went through two bankruptcies and was bought at the beginning of last year, but the new company still has yet to correct our pay ranges.  My job started out simple and stress free, but it’s grown exponentially more complicated, and I’ve taken on more responsibility (I’m doing essentially three jobs right now), and yet I can’t even get compensated for it. THAT makes me feel like a failure. THAT makes me feel like nothing I do matters. I want to run out the door and teach them a lesson, but I can’t even get the energy to update my resume….

But back to the depression… as for what I’m sure you’re thinking… “Why don’t you just go to the doctor?” Well, I have one answer: Money. I’m in that awkward place where in the United States, I make too much money to be eligible for low-income programs/benefits, and yet I don’t make enough to keep up with my own bills, yet alone have extra to pay for visits to the doctor/medications/etc. I know I’m not alone. This is the reason the middle class is eroding in this country. I know this is important, but how can I choose between treating my depression and keeping the lights on at home? I even tried for some depression clinical studies in the area, but one is no longer recruiting and the other is only recruiting people who are currently on antidepressants. Well… fuck.

So there we are. I’m sitting here praying people buy what I have on Craigslist/tumblr and hoping I can keep myself together enough to do well in school and get past this.