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HypMic ARB 1st Anniversary Merchandise Lottery

HypMic ARB’s 1st Anniversary Event includes a merchandise present giveaway! Unfortunately, to win the physical merchandise, you need a Japanese address. You can use whatever proxy service you like if you don’t live in Japan. If you need one, I recommend Tenso, which will give you an address you can use.

Grand Prize (10 winners): HypMic -A.R.B- 1st ANNIVERSARY limited acrylic POP stand

First Prize (600 total winners): HypMic -A.R.B.- 1st ANNIVERSARY limited Divisional Ball-point Pens (100 winners per division)

Runner-up Prize (1000 winners): G Collect ticket x 1

How to Apply

The entry period is from 2021/3/17~3/31 10:59 JST. Even if you have the lottery tickets from the event, you have to fill out the form in order to actually win prizes.

From your home screen, select the black 1st Anniversary icon on the right hand side of the screen.

You’ll want to scroll all the way to the bottom of this screen, then click on the Present Campaign banner.

On the pop up, you’ll want to scroll all the way down and click the pink エントリー button to open the entry form. This also shows you how many lottery tickets you have (max 10).

This form will open in your browser. Scroll to the bottom, click the radio button to accept the terms, and hit Next.

The next page will load, with your IDs pre-filled out (I erased mine for privacy, ignore the red box). What you need to worry about is the メールアドレス field (the bottom box here). This is where you put in your email address.

Scroll down further and you get the option of choosing which item to enter for. While you have a better chance of winning the pens, the stands are cooler (in my opinion). Once you select an option, click next.

And that’s it! If you win, you’ll get an email with further instructions on getting your prize. If you’re a lucky winner and need help with anything else, let me know and I can help you out!

HypMic ARB 1st anniversary Guide

I’ve seen a lot of confusion around the HypMic ARB 1st anniversary event, and since I’ve already helped with some of it, I thought I’d write up a guide for anyone new or confused about how it works!

I already finished a lot of it so I’m going to be taking caps from both my game and my friend’s game, so sorry if it’s a little inconsistent, but hopefully this helps! Sorry if it’s a bit long!


Home screen

So the home screen has been redesigned! I’ll go through each icon, starting in the top left, and work my way around the screen:

Info: News and updates on the game
Present: Where all of your gifts and in-game rewards go
Pass: Where the different monthly passes are for sale, or you claim daily rewards if you purchased a pass
Menu: The menu, haha
My men: Where the cards you’ve collected live
Mission: All of the current quests available
Story: Event stories and normal stories
Shop: Buy stuff!
G collect: The gatcha, where you pull for cards
Rhyme Strike: A rhyming game to earn rewards and refresh your rise (the blue lightning bolt)
Killer scratch: The rhythm game itself
1st ARB Anniversary banner: Displays event progress with links to the reward shop and other event related things
1st Anniversary icon: Full events within the 1st anniversary


Event Page

Here’s your main event page. I’ll explain each section:

Left links:

Back: Go to previous page
イベント説明: Explanation of event
ミッション: Links to the event missions page
ショップ: Takes you to the gem shop

Main section:

Top: Current number of accumulated event points (shown here as 934,266 pt)
Points until next reward: Shows how many points until your next tier bonus (here is 3,234 pt). Click the pink button for full tier list.
Event item tickets: How many tickets you currently have for redemption (here is 15,680). Click the pink button to open the event exchange shop
Ranking: Current event ranking among all players (here is 14,160)
SSR banner: Takes you to the G-collect page
Killer Scratch: Takes you to the main game
Cards: Takes you to your team setup


Missions

This is probably where you’ll spend a lot of time during this event! There are guides out there for the main mission page (seen here) so I’m just going to breeze over it. The tabs are for daily, weekly, general, and event missions.

Daily missions: Refresh at midnight JST. Right now, there’s play Killer Scratch and pull from the DJpt G collect gatcha. The bottom gems task is for completing both of those tasks.
Weekly missions: Refresh weekly (I wanna say on Monday? I don’t pay attention lol oops). The tasks are to do a certain number of songs in each category (club, spade, heart, diamond, and free) as well as play Rhyme Strike 3 times.
General missions: One-time game goals that refresh to new tasks once you finish the current one. These change depending on progress
Event missions: Missions that aren’t part of an event stamp card. Usually for things like playing newly added songs. Right now is for the B-parts of the new Buster Bros!!! songs.

Main Event Missions

This is where your main event bingo cards live. There are 4 total, and you get bonuses for completing each sheet as well as all missions. The cards can only be worked on one at a time in order. The bottom box on the right tells you what you get on your next bingo of 3 in a row. The box will show you all of those rewards.
Full clear: 50 gems
Sheet clear: One event prize entry ticket

I’m going to go over each card and the tasks. They are all in the same 3×3 grid, so I will be going in order from left to right, top row to bottom row.

Bingo Mission 1:
Top left: Earn 1,000 event tickets by playing Killer Scratch
Top middle: Play Killer Scratch with less than 30 misses (in one song)
Top right: Use 5 rise points in one Killer Scratch song (the lightning bolts – should be set at 5 as a default)
Mid left: Earn SS rank on one song in Killer Scratch
Middle: Earn S rank or above on one song in Killer Scratch
Mid right: Earn A rank or above on one song in Killer Scratch
Bottom left: Earn B rank or above on one song in Killer Scratch
Bottom middle: Earn C rank or above on one song in Killer Scratch
Bottom right: Earn D rank or above on one song in Killer Scratch

Bingo Mission 2:
Top left: Earn 2,500 event tickets by playing Killer Scratch
Top middle: Play Killer Scratch with less than 25 misses (in one song)
Top right: Use 5 rise points in one Killer Scratch song (the lightning bolts – should be set at 5 as a default)
Mid left: Exchange for one item in the event shop
Middle: Play one free song in Killer Scratch (look for the white icon with two microphones on the song title card)
Mid right: Play one spade song in Killer Scratch (look for the blue spade icon on the song title card)
Bottom left: Play one heart song in Killer Scratch (look for the red heart icon on the song title card)
Bottom middle: Play one diamond song in Killer Scratch (look for the yellow diamond icon on the song title card)
Bottom right: Play one club song in Killer Scratch (look for the green club icon on the song title card)

Bingo Mission 3:
Top left: Earn 5,000 event tickets by playing Killer Scratch
Top middle: Play Killer Scratch with less than 20 misses (in one song)
Top right: Use 5 rise points in one Killer Scratch song (the lightning bolts – should be set at 5 as a default)
Mid left: Play 「ヒプノシスマイク -Alternative Rap Battle-」on normal difficulty or higher (clicking the button will take you to the song)
Middle: Play 「Survival of the Illest」on normal difficulty or higher (clicking the button will take you to the song)
Mid right: Play 「ヒプノシスマイク -Division Rap Battle-」on normal difficulty or higher (clicking the button will take you to the song)
Bottom left: Earn a score of 110,000 or higher on「おはようイケブクロ」 *can’t use autoplay cassettes (clicking the button will take you to the song)
Bottom middle: Earn a score of 110,000 or higher on「Stella」*can’t use autoplay cassettes (clicking the button will take you to the song)
Bottom right: Earn a score of 110,000 or higher on「あゝオオサカdreamin’night」 *can’t use autoplay cassettes (clicking the button will take you to the song)

Bingo Mission 4:
Top left: Earn 5,000 event tickets by playing Killer Scratch
Top middle: Play Killer Scratch on normal difficulty with less than 20 misses (in one song)
Top right: Use 5 rise points in one Killer Scratch song (the lightning bolts – should be set at 5 as a default)
Mid left: Earn a combo of 110 or higher on「シノギ (Dead Pools)」*can’t use autoplay cassettes (clicking the button will take you to the song)
Middle: Earn a combo of 160 or higher on「パピヨン」*can’t use autoplay cassettes (clicking the button will take you to the song)
Mid right: Earn a combo of 170 or higher on「Bad Ass Temple Funky Sounds」*can’t use autoplay cassettes (clicking the button will take you to the song)
Bottom left: Earn a score of 200,000 or higher on「ヒプノシスマイク -Division Battle Anthem-」*can’t use autoplay cassettes (clicking the button will take you to the song)
Bottom middle: Earn a score of 200,000 or higher on「T.D.D LEGEND」*can’t use autoplay cassettes (clicking the button will take you to the song)
Bottom right: Earn a score of 200,000 or higher on「Hoodstar」*can’t use autoplay cassettes (clicking the button will take you to the song)

Divison Missions

Unique to this event are division missions. Each division has three cards, one for each member. The tasks are all the same, just divided up by unique member. These can be worked on simultaneously. A full card clear earns you a 1st anniversary G Collect ticket, and a clear of a division earns you a roulette ticket.

Many of these tasks build on each other, so I am going to lay them out in the order that makes the most sense to complete them most efficiently. Follow below, repeating for each member, to fill out all the cards!

  1. Play Killer Scratch with (member) on your team. This completes the middle square which rewards the 1st anniversary chibi SR card. All other missions require this card!
  2. Play Killer Scratch with (member)’s 1st anniversary chibi card on your team. I recommend playing as many times as needed to get the chibi card to level 50 (these level REALLY fast so it should only take like 3 rounds). This will complete the top left, top right, and bottom right squares.
  3. Evolve the chibi card (See My Men guide). This will complete the bottom left and give you a copy of the chibi card.
  4. Raise the chibi card’s leader skill to level 2 by fusing the chibi cards together (See My Men guide). This unlocks the top middle and gives what you need for the next step.
  5. Raise the chibi card’s auto-skill to level 5 (see My Men guide). This will complete the bottom middle and give you what you need for the next step.
  6. Raise the chibi card’s auto-skill to level 10 (see My Men guide). This will complete the middle left and give you a copy of the chibi card.
  7. Raise the chibi card’s leader skill to level 5 by fusing chibi cards together. SEE BELOW. This will be the last and hardest step, but will complete the bingo card by unlocking the middle right.

These bingo cards only give you 3 copies of the chibi card. You need a total of 5 copies to max out the leader skill. So, where do the extra two come from?

These Select tickets!! There are two main ways to earn these:

  1. As tier rewards for earning event points
  2. Trading in event tickets in the event shop

BECAUSE THEY ARE LIMITED, keep careful track of how many you earn and what you use them on! (Overnight, they decided to up the limit of the 7,500 price point to 60, so there should be no problem getting enough if you make a mistake) Since you need two per member, you need 36 total. You might also get some as roulette rewards (I can’t remember completely). You can earn a total of 18 from earning event points just by playing, with the last one coming once you reach 540,000 points. An additional 72 can be traded for with event tickets in the event shop (shown above).

So, how do you use them?

From your home screen, open your menu:

Once on the menu screen, click アイテム icon. This is your list of items. Once on the item screen, click the third tab:

You’ll have more or less than this based on how long you’ve been playing, but the ticket should have a ! on the top corner when you have them for trade in, along with the number you currently own. Click on this icon to initiate trade-in.

Once you confirm you want to use the ticket, the window will pop up to let you choose which one you want. Make sure you’re keeping track so you don’t trade too many of one character! Once traded, the cards will be delivered to your present box.


My Men

Because of how this event works, you’ll get real familiar with this screen.

カード一覧 : General list of all of your cards
編成 : Team formations – groups of 5 you play Killer Scratch with
進化: Evolution – where you evolve your cards
レベルアップ強化 – Level-up enhancement – where you increase your card’s level with exp stickers
オートスキル強化 – Auto-skill enhancement – where you level up your card’s auto-skill (the skills that kick in automatically now and then while playing)
リーダースキル強化 – Leader skill enhancement – where you level up your card’s leader skill (the team leader, in the center, has a special skill effect on the team. This varies by card).
カード売却 – Card Sale – where you sell back duplicate cards you no longer need (you CANNOT get them back, so use carefully!!)

Evolution

First we’ll go over the evolution page. When a card is at its max normal level, it is ready to be evolved. If you have the items you need, the card will show a pink ! in the bottom corner, like Rei and Rosho do here.

Clicking a card brings you to the evolution screen. If it’s not ready to be evolved, the icons to the right will be greyed out and it will tell you what you need of each. The pink button below each icon lets you exchange coins or tickets you get from resale for the items you need. If you have the required items, the pink button at the bottom will be clickable, and you’ll evolve your card! Evolved cards gain new art, and will be highlighted by a rainbow border. You can also increase the level by ten once a card is evolved.

Auto-skill Enhancement

The auto-skill enhancement screen is similar to the evolution screen, only it displays the current auto-skill level in the top left. If you have the required items to increase a card’s auto-skill, there will be a pink ! box on the bottom, like Jyushi here.

The screen works the same as the evolution screen, only this time you see the card’s auto-skill levels on the left. The important part for our purposes is the items in the top of the right box. If you don’t have what you need to level up the auto-skill, the icons to the right will be greyed out and it will tell you what you need of each. The pink button below each icon lets you exchange coins or tickets you get from resale for the items you need. If you have the required items, the pink button at the bottom will be clickable, and you can level up your card’s auto-skill! Each card’s auto-skill can go to level 10, and must be leveled one level at a time.

The skill stars on the bottom are a general item you can exchange for or buy that allow you to increase the auto-skill without the other coins. These are more rare so I didn’t cover them here.

Leader Skill Enhancement

The leader skill enhancement screen is similar to the other screens, only it displays the current leader skill level in the top left. If you have the required items to increase a card’s leader skill there will be a pink ! box on the bottom, like Doppo and Hifumi here.

The screen works the same as the auto-skill screen, only this time you see the card’s leader skill level on the left. The important part for our purposes is the items in the top of the right box. To level up a leader skill, you need to have an exact duplicate of that card. Each card’s leader skill can go up to 5, and must be leveled one level at a time.

The skill star materials on the bottom are a general item you can exchange for or buy that allow you to increase the leader skill without having a copy of the card. These are more rare so I didn’t cover them here.


G collect & Pull Tickets

This event is unique in that there are a bunch of different types of G collect tickets available to be exchanged for pulls in the various gatchas.

In my image we have from left to right:
Normal G collect ticket: use on the monthly or regular G-collect
10-pull normal G-collect ticket: same as above only to pull 10 times
1st anniversary G-collect ticket: use to pull from any of the event division gatchas
10-pull 1st anniversary ticket: same as before, only pull 10 times
Revival SSR G-collect ticket: use to pull from the special gatcha with past event SSRs in it

Normal and 1st Anniversary G Collects

Each G Collect page is more or less set up the same way. There are various numbers at the top, which are (from left to right): Total gems owned, number of paid gems owned, number of free gems owned, number of single pull tickets, number of ten pull tickets.

Currently, there are only two normal G collect gatchas going on. The first is the March G Collect with Ramuda as the banner (featured SSR cards are Fling Posse’s My Life series). The second is the permanent A.R.B G Collect banner (second to last). Right now these are the only two you can use the normal G Collect pull tickets on.

There are also six 1st Anniversary G collect gatchas, separated by division. Each one includes only cards from that division, with the featured cards being the new 1st Anniversary SSRs. These are the gatchas you can use the 1st Anniversary G Collect tickets on.

The pages are set up in the same fashion. The pink buttons under the banner name: left one shows the cards and their rates, while the right shows details on the featured cards.

Next we have three giant buttons, which are used to pull. The first button (with the 60 gems on top) allows one pull per day using 60 paid gems. These can only be acquired by using real money. If you’re free to play, chances are you’ll never get to use this button.

The next button (with 250 gems or 1 ticket above) is used for a single pull. Each pull costs 1 ticket or 250 gems (of any type).

The last button (with 2,500 gems or 1 ticket above) is used for 10-pulls. Each 10 pull is guaranteed to have at least one SR or better type card.

When you click on a button (either single or ten pull), you are first presented with the above screen. To the left is the number of pull tickets you have available, and the right is the number of gems you have. Select the white button to use a ticket or the pink to use gems.

If you choose to use gems, you’ll see this screen. This confirms how many paid gems you own (left) and how many free (right). The game always uses free gems first. If you’re ok with the amount, hit ok to make your pull!

If you choose to use a ticket, it will give you a confirmation screen of the type of ticket you’re using. To go ahead with the pull, click ok.

Special Revival SSR G collect

New for this event is a Revival SSR G Collect. This contains select SSR cards from the past year’s events. The only way to get tickets to pull are from the event shop, and it’s limited to three total pulls. I believe on the third pull, you can exchange a card for one of your choice. Once I get enough points for my third pull I will update this guide!

DJ Point G Collect

At the very bottom of the list is the DJ pt G Collect. This is where you can exchange DJ points for stickers, candy for Rhyme Strike, or normal cards. New to this update is the ability to do a free 10 pull once a day. Additional pulls use banked DJ points, which you earn from playing the game.


Event Exchange Shop

From the event page, you can access the event exchange shop, where you can trade in your event tickets for useful items! I’m not going to go over all of the various stickers available, since those are explained in other guides, but I will touch on the unique items you’ll probably be most interested in.

SSR確定復刻シナリオGコレチケット: The first three options here are the Revival SSR G collect tickets. These are used to pull from the special revival gatcha featuring event SSRs from the first year of events. The tickets are all the same, they just require different amounts of event tickets, which is why there are 3 entries. Each one can only be redeemed once.

抽選券[3/31 10:59まで交換可): A lottery ticket to win prizes. Some of the prizes are physical merchandise, which can only be received if you have a Japanese address (or a proxy address within Japan). I will write a short guide on how to redeem these in a separate post. You can exchange for 3 lottery tickets through this shop.

セレクトチケット:1stあにばーさりー: The top three are Select Tickets for the 1st anniversary chibi cards. As explained previously, you need these to help complete your event missions. You might not need them all if you were smart about your exchanges! You can exchange for 6 each at the first two price points, then up to 60 at the 7,500 price.

スキルスターマテリアル:SSR : If you collect 10 of these, you can increase an SSR card’s leader skill by 1. You can exchange for 2 of these.

スペシャルスキルスター:SR : This is used to raise the leader skill of an SR card by 1. You can exchange for 2 of these.

トレードチケット: Event trade ticket. These can be exchanged by going to the shop and selecting the Event Item Exchange (last option). Then, click the banner with the gold tickets. You can use these on unique collab cards or event bookmarks to unlock event stories.

ルーレットチケット:1st Anniv. : A roulette ticket for the 1st Anniversary roulette. Can be exchanged up to 5 times.

RIO’S キッチンセット: This bookmark is used to unlock all stories in the Rio’s Kitchen event scenario. This is useful if you missed the original event. Once unlocked, go to Story, and select the RIO’S キッチン banner to view the stories. Each story awards rise drinks when viewed the first time.

ヒプマイクエスト前編セット: This bookmark is used to unlock all stories in the HypMic Quest Part 1 event scenario. This is useful if you missed the original event. Once unlocked, go to Story, and select the ヒプマイクエスト前編 banner to view the stories. Each story awards 50 gems when viewed the first time.

ヒプマイクエスト後編セット: This bookmark is used to unlock all stories in the HypMic Quest Part 2 event scenario. This is useful if you missed the original event. Once unlocked, go to Story, and select the ヒプマイクエスト後編 banner to view the stories. Each story awards 50 gems when viewed the first time.

フローイングヘアダラーの追跡セット: This bookmark is used to unlock all stories in the Flowing Hair Dollar Pursuit event scenario. This is useful if you missed the original event. Once unlocked, go to Story, and select the フローイングヘアダラーの追跡 banner to view the stories. Each story awards 50 gems when viewed the first time.

成敗!東都スカイハイタワー活劇セット: This bookmark is used to unlock all stories in the Success or Failure! Toto Sky High Tower Swashbuckler event scenario. This is useful if you missed the original event. Once unlocked, go to Story, and select the 成敗!東都スカイハイタワー活劇 banner to view the stories. Each story awards 50 gems when viewed the first time.

Search for アキハバラセット: This bookmark is used to unlock all stories in the Search for Akihabara event scenario. This is useful if you missed the original event. Once unlocked, go to Story, and select the Search for アキハバラ banner to view the stories. Each story awards 50 gems when viewed the first time.

パニックatマウンテン!セット: This bookmark is used to unlock all stories in the Panic at the Mountain! event scenario. This is useful if you missed the original event. Once unlocked, go to Story, and select the パニックatマウンテン! banner to view the stories. Each story awards 50 gems when viewed the first time.

ビビッと!セット: This bookmark is used to unlock all stories in the Surprised! scenario. This is useful if you missed the original event. Once unlocked, go to Story, and select the ビビッと! banner to view the stories. Each story awards 50 gems when viewed the first time.

恥すて弾けろハロウィンナイト!セット: This bookmark is used to unlock all stories in the Shame on you, Halloween Night! event scenario. This is useful if you missed the original event. Once unlocked, go to Story, and select the 恥すて弾けろハロウィンナイト! banner to view the stories. Each story awards 50 gems when viewed the first time.

Break into! 前編セット: This bookmark is used to unlock all stories in the Break into! Part 1 scenario. This is useful if you missed the original event. Once unlocked, go to Story, and select the Break into! 前編 banner to view the stories. Each story awards 50 gems when viewed the first time.

Break into! 後編セット: This bookmark is used to unlock all stories in the Break into! Part 2 scenario. This is useful if you missed the original event. Once unlocked, go to Story, and select the Break into! 後編 banner to view the stories. Each story awards 50 gems when viewed the first time.

鬼の吉日セット: This bookmark is used to unlock all stories in the Demon’s Auspicious Day event scenario. This is useful if you missed the original event. Once unlocked, go to Story, and select the 鬼の吉日 banner to view the stories. Each story awards 50 gems when viewed the first time.

聖しこの夜はあなたとともにセット: This bookmark is used to unlock all stories in the Holy Night with You event scenario. This is useful if you missed the original event. Once unlocked, go to Story, and select the 聖しこの夜はあなたとともに banner to view the stories. Each story awards 50 gems when viewed the first time.

デンジャラス・ペンションセット: This bookmark is used to unlock all stories in the Dangerous Pension event scenario. This is useful if you missed the original event. Once unlocked, go to Story, and select the デンジャラス・ペンション banner to view the stories. Each story awards 50 gems when viewed the first time.

幻太郎のネオ昔話セット: This bookmark is used to unlock all stories in the Gentaro’s Neo-Folktale event scenario. This is useful if you missed the original event. Once unlocked, go to Story, and select the 幻太郎のネオ昔話 banner to view the stories. Each story awards 50 gems when viewed the first time.

不良警察官の小事件簿セット: This bookmark is used to unlock all stories in the Dirty Cop’s Small Case event scenario. This is useful if you missed the original event. Once unlocked, go to Story, and select the 不良警察官の小事件簿 banner to view the stories. Each story awards 50 gems when viewed the first time.

わらしベリーマンの奔走セット: This bookmark is used to unlock all stories in the Straw Berry Man’s struggle event scenario. This is useful if you missed the original event. Once unlocked, go to Story, and select the わらしベリーマンの奔走 banner to view the stories. Each story awards 50 gems when viewed the first time.


Other Event Things

From the home page on your game, if you click the button that says 1st Anniversary, there are two important sections you should check out.

First is the Roulette. As you finish your missions and earn event points, you’ll be awarded roulette cards (you can also purchase them from the event exchange shop). If you have them, the number will be displayed here by the roulette wheel. You can then click to run the roulette, and keep going until you’re out of tickets.

Second, if you scroll down, there’s a wallpaper campaign button.

As you collect the 1st anniversary chibi cards, you’ll unlock rewards. Once you’ve collected all of them, you get a banner you can use on your profile, as well as unlock the pink link to download smartphone wallpapers of each of the chibi art!


Thank you for reading this far!

Hopefully I covered most of the useful information here! Please see my next post for information on the merchandise lottery. If you have any questions or need more clarification, leave me a comment and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can! Enjoy!

Thank you! (2020.07.13)

#KOJI闘病

I’m able to do my best thanks to everyone’s comments.
Thank you.

A lot of you also said “You don’t have to force yourself to write in your blog!”, but unlike Twitter, updating in the Salon isn’t tough at all, so I think when I have time I’ll continue to update here.
Because it’s really not a burden at all.

Still, the contents are going to be very real and the complete opposite of the dreamy content you would expect, so I’m going to affix the hashtag #KOJI闘病 (Koji’s fight against illness)
Reading such a realistic blog will probably be hard at times, so feel free to wait until a day when your feelings have calmed down to read them.

First day in the hospital.
It was a day of turbulent waves, alternating between difficult moments and free time.
I was also able to ask about my detailed treatment schedule.
It seems like it’s going to be a lot tougher than I initially thought…
I have no choice but to do my best, so I’ve decided I’ll get through this!

I still have some time today and tomorrow, but from the day after tomorrow for a number of days after that, I feel like I don’t know if I’ll be able to show up.
So if I stop writing here, just think “He’s really doing his best.”

But I also feel like it’s going to be ok.
I wanted to try saying something carefree like that.

It seems like I have free time today until light’s out.
I think I’m going to relax for a bit, then sleep properly after light’s out, then work hard to treat my body.

2020/07/13 19:17

Getting help

Wow, I haven’t written here in longer than I thought. Sorry about that.

Early in the morning on May 19, I woke up at 4am and had a bit of a meltdown. Everything just hit me hard, and I ended up confessing how I’ve been feeling to my mom in a long email. It was kind of a slap in the face. I needed help, no matter what it cost me, or else things were probably going to end badly. That day I called and set up an appointment with my doctor (earliest was June 9th, so I took it). Just that step felt good.

Since then, my tuition reimbursement was approved by my company, so I was able to finally catch up on some bills. My roomie and I went apartment hunting and found a nice place, and she was able to get a small loan to pay off the rest of our bills and make all the deposits. We’re set to move in mid-August, which isn’t soon enough if you ask me. But the financial burden being lifted a bit helped me to justify spending money on seeing my doctor.

So last week was my appointment. After asking a bunch of questions, he started me on 60mg of Cymbalta (well, I’m on the generic, but w/e). It’s only been one week so I’m not positive if it’s working yet or not, but then again, I’m still working through the initial side effects. The first 48 hours were the worst – extremely dizzy, nauseous, bad headache, dilated pupils (which probably led to the headache), fatigue, trouble sleeping, bloating. Right now I’m just dealing with the occasional dizzy spell, occasional headaches, and semi-dilated pupils (though no where near as bad as that first morning). I’m yawning a bit more frequently, but that could be my cutting back on caffeine as well. My appetite has greatly diminished as well. Not craving bad stuff nearly as much, and what would normally fill me is too much now. That is a very good thing – I was eating way too much before. Oh, and my skin is starting to clear up (!)

So, we’ll see where this goes. It’s an expensive medication and it sucks that I need it, but if I can feel human again and have the passion for my hobbies that I once had, I think it’s worth it.

This blog is turning into an outlet for my depression, but I think that’s ok. Sometimes just writing things out helps me feel a little better, so I’ll try to keep it up. I used to use livejournal for this stuff but it seems everyone jumped ship, so I’ll use this.

I’ve never quite been in this situation before. I have multiple things overdue, a big hospital bill hanging over my head, and my depression took a nosedive over the last few years. Before then, I was still suffering, but it was manageable. Most nights I sit on the couch, uninterested in doing anything. I can’t find the motivation to do my homework or study, clean up around the house, play a video game, or even go out and do something. And then, when bedtime rolls around, I find that I’m exhausted and yet can’t fall asleep quickly, my mind racing with worries and doubts and negativity (or, I can, and then wake up after 15 minutes, unable to get back to sleep). When morning comes, I just want to sleep away the day, and have trouble getting up for work. My appetite is also way up. I’m snacking like crazy and I put back on the 10 or so pounds I lost last year. I’m about 20 lbs over where I was in 2011.

The biggest red light was when I went to Japan in October (before I really got into this current mess). I had a great time, but the entire trip I felt like I had a cloud over my head. Despite being with people I had longed to see, hanging out with old friends and crushes, I still couldn’t bring myself to feel like I deserved any of it. And my biggest disappointment of the trip, not getting to meet one person, came with a feeling of “well, I didn’t really deserve to meet him anyway”… yeah, definitely not a cool thing to think.

Even now, a good friend of mine in Niigata offered to help me visit Japan again if his shop turns a profit, and all I can think is that I don’t deserve that kind of kindness. I hate relying on others, or feeling like I owe them. I want to be self-sufficient, to be able to do things for myself without having to inconvenience others, and so this depression is really killing me in that respect. I need help but I’m too proud to seek it.

It’s funny how I can write freely about it here, yet when confronted directly, I say “I’m fine,” or I shrug off the question. I can’t seem to go to my mother and ask her for help dealing with this. I know she’s supportive of me, and she knows I have a history (I was on antidepressants as a teenager), but I still feel like I want her to think that I’m doing ok on my own. I don’t want her to think of me as a failure (which is dumb, I’m going back to school after 10 years so I can make something more of myself, I wouldn’t call that failing, yet I still see myself that way).

The biggest factor is my job. I’ve been with the same company for over seven years, yet in that time frame, my pay has only increased about $2.50 an hour… and I’m one of the lucky ones. My roommate and best friend, also at this job, has seen hers increase less than $1. After seven years. Our company went through two bankruptcies and was bought at the beginning of last year, but the new company still has yet to correct our pay ranges.  My job started out simple and stress free, but it’s grown exponentially more complicated, and I’ve taken on more responsibility (I’m doing essentially three jobs right now), and yet I can’t even get compensated for it. THAT makes me feel like a failure. THAT makes me feel like nothing I do matters. I want to run out the door and teach them a lesson, but I can’t even get the energy to update my resume….

But back to the depression… as for what I’m sure you’re thinking… “Why don’t you just go to the doctor?” Well, I have one answer: Money. I’m in that awkward place where in the United States, I make too much money to be eligible for low-income programs/benefits, and yet I don’t make enough to keep up with my own bills, yet alone have extra to pay for visits to the doctor/medications/etc. I know I’m not alone. This is the reason the middle class is eroding in this country. I know this is important, but how can I choose between treating my depression and keeping the lights on at home? I even tried for some depression clinical studies in the area, but one is no longer recruiting and the other is only recruiting people who are currently on antidepressants. Well… fuck.

So there we are. I’m sitting here praying people buy what I have on Craigslist/tumblr and hoping I can keep myself together enough to do well in school and get past this.

……

Depression caused me to ignore important things, like paying my bills.

Now, half of everything is overdue, I’m getting threats to disconnect services, and I don’t know how to climb out of this hole.

Which deepens the depression.

An endless cycle.

I really don’t know how to manage.

Another blow

This week has been trying financially, I’ve broken down a few times, and work stress is driving me up a wall. I’m at wits end, but I went to school to turn in paperwork for the summer and fall.

You know what?

My school won’t give out a loan for the summer semester.

Going part time, summer is important if I want to graduate any time soon. Yet they won’t give a loan. Ok, I thought, I’ll look at a private loan. But you know what? They aren’t on the list of approved schools for any of them.

I thought going to community college would be a good thing and get me going in the right direction, how the fuck does this help?

I’m so aggravated, depressed, and at a loss. I’m making practically the same as I was back in 2007, and yet everything has gotten so expensive, my job has gotten worse, and I owe everyone and their brother.

I’m at a loss.

Sometimes

Sometimes things align just right and everything is perfect.

Sometimes they align all wrong and everything goes to hell in a handbasket.

I’m currently in the latter camp. My depression, sleep quality, stress, and finances have all grown exponentially worse, and I’m struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know I need to see a doctor, but my $40 copay is holding me back. That’s about half of a day of work for me. I know I need it, but things like food and keeping the utilities on and gas to get to work are a bit more important. I’m drowning in a pile of stress and self doubt and I really can’t figure out what to do about it.

So you know… fun.

Depression

Somewhere in the hustle and bustle of going back to school and the whirlwind of my own inner demons, I lost my drive to post here very often. I have so many things I could say, but I’ve had no energy to say them, and the growing feeling that no one cares to listen anyway.

I know a lot of people look to the internet to talk about how depressed they are. I get the feeling that being depressed is kind of in fashion, though, and some of these people think depression is just not finding the clothes you want on sale, or being told by your parents that you aren’t allowed to go to a party.

There’s a very big difference between sadness and depression.

Sadness is normal. When things don’t go your way, or you lose a loved one or a pet, it’s normal to feel sad. Tears are normal. Pain is normal.

Depression is not normal. To feel an unrelenting weight on your shoulders, telling you you’ll never be good enough, strong enough, pretty enough. Telling you that the world would be better off if you could just disappear is not normal. Wanting to stay in bed all day and having to fight to even put on clothes is not normal. Not having the will to write in your blogs or email your friends or even send a text message because you don’t want to be a burden is not normal. Lying in bed feeling extremely tired but not being able to fall asleep due to the negativity in your head is not normal. Being out with friends or doing something you like and still having to force a smile is not normal.

I’ve always struggled with depression, but when I was younger I got off easy. It wasn’t that bad. I could cope. Since around late 2011, though, I’ve reached a new low. It’s getting harder and harder to do things that I used to really enjoy, like translating or practicing Japanese or even messaging/sending letters to my favorite people. Everything seems like too much work, and like I’ll be a burden, and like I don’t deserve anything good, even though deep down, there’s a tiny voice screaming that I’m wrong.

The terrible echoing roar of depression tends to drown out that little voice.

I’m managing well enough, for now, but I can feel cracks starting to form. I forget to pay bills on time. I spend more time spacing out. I don’t care as much about my appearance. I don’t want to get out and do things. I feel like I’ve given up hope.

It’s hard to be going back to school and trying to make something of myself when I have to wade through the muddy waters of depression. I’m trying to do my best, but it is so hard, and so exhausting.

I just want to feel happy.

Be patient with me, guys. I’m trying.

Snow

I’ll post more photos from today’s snowstorm later, but for now I leave you with some video I took.