Somewhere in the hustle and bustle of going back to school and the whirlwind of my own inner demons, I lost my drive to post here very often. I have so many things I could say, but I’ve had no energy to say them, and the growing feeling that no one cares to listen anyway.
I know a lot of people look to the internet to talk about how depressed they are. I get the feeling that being depressed is kind of in fashion, though, and some of these people think depression is just not finding the clothes you want on sale, or being told by your parents that you aren’t allowed to go to a party.
There’s a very big difference between sadness and depression.
Sadness is normal. When things don’t go your way, or you lose a loved one or a pet, it’s normal to feel sad. Tears are normal. Pain is normal.
Depression is not normal. To feel an unrelenting weight on your shoulders, telling you you’ll never be good enough, strong enough, pretty enough. Telling you that the world would be better off if you could just disappear is not normal. Wanting to stay in bed all day and having to fight to even put on clothes is not normal. Not having the will to write in your blogs or email your friends or even send a text message because you don’t want to be a burden is not normal. Lying in bed feeling extremely tired but not being able to fall asleep due to the negativity in your head is not normal. Being out with friends or doing something you like and still having to force a smile is not normal.
I’ve always struggled with depression, but when I was younger I got off easy. It wasn’t that bad. I could cope. Since around late 2011, though, I’ve reached a new low. It’s getting harder and harder to do things that I used to really enjoy, like translating or practicing Japanese or even messaging/sending letters to my favorite people. Everything seems like too much work, and like I’ll be a burden, and like I don’t deserve anything good, even though deep down, there’s a tiny voice screaming that I’m wrong.
The terrible echoing roar of depression tends to drown out that little voice.
I’m managing well enough, for now, but I can feel cracks starting to form. I forget to pay bills on time. I spend more time spacing out. I don’t care as much about my appearance. I don’t want to get out and do things. I feel like I’ve given up hope.
It’s hard to be going back to school and trying to make something of myself when I have to wade through the muddy waters of depression. I’m trying to do my best, but it is so hard, and so exhausting.
I just want to feel happy.
Be patient with me, guys. I’m trying.